Learning to Ask for What I Need Without Feeling Guilty
In my last post, I shared how the Attunement survival style shows up in adulthood—the ways we minimize or silence our needs to preserve connection.
Today, I want to talk about what healing looks like.
Healing Begins with Permission
Many people who carry the Attunement style feel shame around needing anything at all. We’ve internalized the message:
“If I have needs, I’ll overwhelm or burden others.”
The first step in healing is granting ourselves permission: it’s human to need, it’s human to want, and it’s safe to ask. This may sound simple, but it often requires deep unlearning.
Relearning How to Receive
For those with the Attunement style, receiving can feel harder than giving. Compliments, care, or even a meal offered by someone else may bring up discomfort. Healing involves practicing staying with the feeling of receiving—without deflecting, minimizing, or rushing to give back.
This could look like:
Saying “thank you” to a compliment instead of dismissing it.
Allowing someone to support you without apologizing.
Noticing how your body responds when you’re cared for.
Asking in Small Steps
Voicing needs doesn’t have to start big. It can begin with small, low-stakes requests:
Asking a partner to pick up something from the store.
Letting a friend know you’d like to talk.
Choosing what you want for dinner instead of deferring.
Each time you voice a need and it’s met, your nervous system learns: It’s safe to be here. It’s safe to need.
From Over-Functioning to Authentic Generosity
One of the paradoxes of the Attunement survival style is that we often over-function for others. We pour energy into caretaking, while ignoring our own hunger. Healing doesn’t mean we stop being generous—it means generosity flows from fullness, not depletion.
When we are nourished, we can give without resentment, without erasing ourselves.
Signs of Healing
Over time, healing the Attunement survival style might look like:
Knowing what you want and being able to say it.
Feeling less guilt when asking for help.
Allowing yourself to receive kindness or care.
Giving from a place of choice, not compulsion.
Feeling more connected to your own longings.
Closing Reflection
Your needs are not too much.
Your wants are not a flaw.
They are part of your aliveness.
Healing the Attunement survival style means reclaiming the right to be nourished—and to know that you are worthy of care, just as you are.
Reflection Invitations
What is one small way I could allow myself to receive today?
When I notice guilt about asking for help, can I pause and breathe before dismissing it?
What does generosity feel like when it comes from fullness instead of depletion?
About Ruth
Ruth Trujillo Pertew is a psychotherapist and NARM practitioner who supports bright, creative women in healing the patterns of self-abandonment and finding freedom beyond survival strategies. She offers online therapy in NY, TX and NJ and is available for in-person sessions in St. Petersburg, FL.
✨ Curious about working together? Feel free to set up a consultation to explore if this work might be a fit for you. Find out more on my website www.thesoulfilledpath.com