The Hidden Cost of Silencing Our Needs
In my last post, I shared how the Attunement survival style begins in early childhood when our needs for nourishment, support, or comfort were not consistently met. To stay connected, we learned to downplay, dismiss, or hide our needs.
But what begins as survival in childhood often follows us into adulthood.
How Attunement Shows Up in Everyday Life
If you carry this survival style, you might notice:
Difficulty knowing what you actually want or need
Guilt or shame when asking for help
Feeling “too much” for others, or worrying you’ll overwhelm them
Taking care of everyone else while quietly neglecting yourself
Struggling to receive—whether it’s love, attention, or even a compliment
Feeling resentful when your needs go unmet, but not voicing that resentment
On the surface, you might look independent, easygoing, or generous. Inside, you may feel undernourished, unseen, or like you’re always holding back.
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Why This Pattern Makes Sense
It’s important to remember: this isn’t weakness or failure. It’s an intelligent adaptation.
As children, we learned:
If I minimize my needs, I can keep the connection I can’t live without.
That strategy worked. It kept us safe. But as adults, it often keeps us underfed—emotionally, relationally, even spiritually.
The Cost of Not Needing
Over time, silencing our needs can lead to:
Burnout from over-functioning in relationships
Feeling invisible or unseen
Struggles with intimacy—wanting closeness but fearing it
Disconnection from hunger, desire, or longing in all its forms
We end up living as though needing is dangerous, when in truth, needing is what makes us human.
Closing Reflection
Your needs are not too much.
Your longings are not a burden.
You deserve to receive as much as you give.
Reflection Invitations
How do I usually respond when I notice a need—do I honor it, dismiss it, or feel shame about it?
What happens in my body when I imagine asking for help?
When was the last time I allowed myself to fully receive?
🌿 About Ruth
Ruth Trujillo Pertew is a psychotherapist and NARM practitioner who supports bright, creative women in healing the patterns of self-abandonment and finding freedom beyond survival strategies. She offers online therapy in NY, TX and NJ and is available for in-person sessions in St. Petersburg, FL.
✨ Curious about working together? Feel free to set up a consultation to explore if this work might be a fit for you.